23 Apr 2025 - A not-so happy birthday to me

Today is my 16th birthday.

I don't know how to feel about getting older. This day 3 years ago, I also came out to my family. I don't know why I chose that date, but at least I can remember it clearly, I guess. And while I'm glad I'm finally old enough to find a job (as a child I yearned for the mines something something blah blah), I really don't feel 16. Nor do I look, sound, or act 16. I lowkey still feel really childish, and no matter how serious I am sometimes, I feel like nobody can take me seriously, not even myself. I have and do change a lot, but am I still the same person in the end? I want zero association with who I was in the past, but it really is my past and comes to haunt me. When I can't sleep at night, it's because my brain won't stop replaying the stupidest and most embarrassing things I've done in my life and I want to die of humiliation.

In the past, I've usually looked forward to my birthday, but now it's just a painful reminder of what I'm missing out in life and how much of a loser I am. Two people IRL acknowledged my birthday today, my English and Gov teacher, because they can see that it's my birthday next to my name when they take attendance. Not counting my family, obviously. They're basically the only other people who've really cared about me in my life. I know I shouldn't measure myself like this, but I feel like, as somebody who gets barely any birthday wishes, that I'm worthless. IRL, I have no friends. I'm the "quiet kid." I'm invisible, and I go mostly unnoticed. So who am I kidding? Imagine this kid who sits in the back of the classroom, who you also may or may not know is also a fanny traggot, tells you it's your birthday. You don't even know their name. It must be really weird when the kid who never talks or raises their hand asks you to wish them a happy birthday. I just feel extremely narcissistic doing so, even though I'm secretly wishing more people did, but I just keep my mouth shut because of it. Not to mention, I tend to forget other peoples' birthdays, so who am I, expecting people to remember my birthday, when I can't even remember theirs?