Blog
04 March 2025 - A Sinking Feeling
I got my PC back over the weekend and then while I was away at school today my dad took it away again. I feel pretty defeated. I don't really feel like doing anything anymore and I wish my parents telepathically understood because I don't want to tell it to their face. No, I'm not trying to emotionally manipulate them into giving it back (for the most part because I want it back obviously), it's just how I genuinely feel again. I'm burned out asf.
Nothing will really get me going anymore, even if my mom decides to sit next to me and watch me like a hawk until I finish, I hate it so much but it's the only other way I can stay focused, it's like having a gun pointed to my head. At least when I had my computer I felt motivated enough to do, or at least try or pretend to do my work to show that I was capable of being able to manage keeping it. Having ADHD is a huge debuff to my ability to work, and with literally no incentive or reward in sight I don't feel the urge to do anything anymore, I need instant gratification for the blood sweat and tears I've put into school. Distractions are irresistible, yeah, but instant gratification for my work is even more irresistible, I do a 20-20-20 rule where I work on one assignment for 20 minutes, another assingment for 20 minutes, and then take a 20 minute break (usually I play some Minesweeper and get up to stretch). Bad grades ruin my day but the few good grades I don't feel good at all anyway because they don't meet the standards I've set for myself, and they don't get my grades up to the range I want and thus I don't feel like keeping up the good work. I care a lot but I can't do anything, sometimes I'm itching to start my work but I just can't by some immovable force of god. Is that lazy? I'm willing, I just can't. Some time ago my grades improved and I didn't hate myself for once, and now they've been slipping again. I made a 73 on my marine test on Monday because I didn't have time to study over the weekend, which was a huge drop compared to a 93 on the previous test. I don't think I really have a chance at getting an A in that class anymore. Fuck school man, my life would actually be about 10 times easier if I didn't have to put it with it. I'm tired, boss. I'm tired.
I don't own any other device, it's just my school Chromebook and Nokia Flip 2760. My computer is really the only thing I can hang onto which I can't right now. I obviously can't store anything on a Nokia, and the state of my school Chromebook is extremely volatile, one day in 6th grade the hard drive just decided to kahoot itself and wiped every single file off. If I use a flash drive there's a 99% chance that I'll lose it (happened with the other one). I don't have any other place to bank everything on except my school Chromebook, and whenever my computer gets taken away, I can't access any of the documents, pictures, or videos I have stored on there.
Complaining about this feels so stupid, it's just a fucking computer but I've felt like shit and been spiralling since I got home and found it missing, I knew it was coming but I didn't want to admit it. I can't shake off the negative feelings no matter what I try. I'm at a loss. I was feeling really good about myself this weekend even though I wasn't quite satisfied with myself, I fixed my sleep schedule over the weekend (finally started going to bed before 1am) and tried to do my homework and study to my best extent, but it passed by so fast I felt like I didn't have any time to do so anyway. What matters though, was that I was FINALLY getting into a good, healthy routine that I could build good, healthy habits on. I feel like I'm drowning again. Everything was going so well. And now it's gone. I just rotted in my room the entire evening surfing the web to try and distract myself from the negative feelings and trying to ignore the feeling gnawing away at me telling me to kill myself or do my work which I'm obviously not in the mental state to do. Now it's 2AM, I'm going to stay up late and fuck up my sleep and fall asleep in all my classes tommorrow. Or skip school if I feel like it. I don't care anymore, I really don't.
Someone else, I think it was Mason, couldn't have described it better. It's like being grounded 24/7. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong yet I can't be afforded the privilege everyone has. Well I did screw up my grades but it wasn't because of the things that I obviously don't have, I'm just a fucking loser. I'm so fucking lazy. I've disappointed and failed everyone at every turn. I have a reading quiz tomorrow and I didn't take any notes, all 30 pages of it. I couldn't care less about the grade I get on it. I don't care if I fucking fail. Will my teachers care and give me a second chance? No. It's all my fault. All my fucking fault. I wasted the ENTIRE fucking day already and I have all this shit I'm supposed to do. I'm a horrible person, a horrible friend, a horrible child, I don't deserve anything, everybody hates me but nobody hates me more besides myself, I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt. Good fucking night I'm going to cry myself to sleep without having done anything useful and I might down a bottle of painkillers and hope I don't wake up again. Sorry to whoever cared enough to read my retarded rambling. Nothing has been going my way today. I never fucking shut up. I'm sorry, again. I'm annoying, I know.
Why can't I do well? I don't know why. Everyone else makes it look so easy. Where did I go wrong? Why can't I be a normal functioning human being? How can I be normal? Will I ever be normal? What does it even mean to be normal? It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. I don't know anymore. I don't know.
There are worms under your skin, rip them up. There are voices in your head, silence them. There are people in your walls, burn them down. Nobody loves you, you are alone. You are a lost cause, rot in hell. Everybody hates you, kill yourself. There is no tomorrow.
"Everyone's waiting for you.
Everyone's waiting to throw rocks at you, spit on you, and make your life hell.
Who's "everyone"...?
Everyone you love."
- MOTHER 3