Sometimes I can't help but resent my parents sometimes. I know they love me and want the best for me, but man it's exhausting having to put up with their bullshit sometimes, especially regarding electronics. I am almost 16 for god's sake and yet I'm still forced to use the same school Chromebook that I've been using since I was 11, and I can't figure out how to bypass the admin restrictions/firewall. I built a PC, and I'm not allowed to use it. The only other device I have is a Nokia flip 2760. And the other day something happened which I think was the breaking point for me.
Wednesday afternoon, around 5PM I decided to take a nap, like my dad suggested. I woke up in bed a few hours later with him lying next to me watching his phone with the volume turned all the way up. I tried to push him off and this resulted in a wrestling match with him because I was so very tired and just wanted to go back to sleep. I won't go into the details but I got beaten up pretty badly, he tried to choke me and almost broke my arms. I was fuming afterwards as you might guess so I opened Pixilart and started letting steam off about how I wanted to kill him and how hell-bent on revenge I was and how I wanted to kill myself because I felt that nobody was taking me or my struggles seriously.
I should add here that I did this all on my alt account, which I've been using as a place to vent for the past 2 years. It's a space where I can let all my feelings out, get a weight off my chest, cry about it. It's private and I only let my closest friends see it, it's my sanctuary. Honestly I don't think I would be here today, alive, without it. It's gotten me through some real tough times. And this is all on my school Chromebook, and always has been.
Anyway the next day I was in marine eco and I got called down to student services and I instantly thought the school had found my Pixilart and yeah my worst fears were confirmed. Someone found my Pixilart, kind of. The counselor said she had recieved an anonymous tip concerning me, harming myself and my dad. She went off about how it's okay to feel this way and asked if I was getting mental help and all of that. Then I went back to class. Then AGAIN in precalc I got called down and the same thing, but this time with the fucking PRINCIPAL too so I was in hot water for all I knew. Same sort of conversation and all that, but I got asked what social media I did it on, I didn't say anything. Pixilart is a niche platform that nobody needs or wants to know about. Then I got sent back to class. Then in gov I think I got called down for a THIRD time but I was busy taking a test (got an 86 btw 💯) so the teacher didn't send me down.
This really shook me. An admin's been stalking me. I know this because every time I make a post on Pixilart, it sends me directly to the link of the post which has the first few words of the body text in the URL. And I made this post after school and I didn't open Pixilart at all while I was at school the next day, so none of my classmates saw me. Which means, someone with access to my browsing history (which I can't clear) saw my posts and reported them.
It terrifies me. Did the admin randomly check my browsing history, see the posts I made, and then report them? Or have they been stalking me for a while and this post in particular concerned them? I don't know, but I hope it's not the latter because I have made far more concerning posts than this. Because as long as you have the direct link to a post, you can see the comments as long as you are logged in, whether or not the author of the post has a private account or not. And this means they've probably also seen my friends' vent posts too, which is something neither of us want. My only sanctuary is no longer a sanctuary. Words cannot express how betrayed, violated and terrified I feel now. Someone's watching me, and I don't know who, why, or how long.
Besides myself for venting in the first place, I can't pin the blame anybody else besides my mom and my dad (duh). She's the reason behind it all. She's why I don't have a phone, why I don't have my PC, why I'm forced to use my Chromebook. I've learned to live with it but it's just so ridiculous, especially at this age, as some of the people who I've told about this have said. If you don't count Pixilart I have literally zero social media I can be active on and it's the place I've called home for the past 4 and 1/2 years, it's where I met my only and best friends. I don't think my parents know about this at all, and I really hope they don't because this is like a giant can of worms I don't want to open. I have nothing to hide, but I really don't want them knowing every single thought I've thrown to the wind (which is stupid, I know, because I'm fine with strangers seeing it but not them, probably because they don't know me and can't confront me for it). I think I've written about this before on one of my previous blogs. Point is, even though I'm not up to anything bad, my digital footprint is something I want to keep private, even if I've done nothing wrong, even though my mom says I don't deserve privacy.
I'm getting off topic, but my point is that none of this would have happened if my mom weren't so strict. I don't want all this concern and attention around me, despite what I said earlier. I simply want people to care about me enough that they listen to my request to leave me alone. I'm tired of all the therapy sessions, psychiatrist appointments, and pill bottles. I don't even know how I got to this point but there's no undoing it. But I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know how to use Windows. I don't really know how to fight off bigger distractions because the only one that exists on my Chromebook is Youtube and Pixilart. I feel left out of everything, when I check Discord for the first time in 2 weeks and I see screenshots and videos of my youth group having fun on game nights. Despite this all I don't have a social life irl because that's how much of a loser I am. I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't, never have, and never will. I just want to hang on the little part of my life that I still can.
My mom's excuse is that I'll get distracted if I use my PC. I don't understand. I still struggle with distractions my Chromebook no matter what (muah untreated ADHD). Neither can really help me stay on task, but at least I'm having fun when I'm wasting my time on my PC and it doesn't randomly decide to restart or delete all my tabs. Indulging in my distractions in a free environment doesn't satisfy me or make me feel any less guilty than it does in a closed one. And how am I supposed to learn to manage and avoid them? It's a learning process. I think my mom is just distraught by the idea of having so much freedom. I wish she had some more faith in me, at this point she probably wouldn't let me leave the house until I turn 25. I'm not a baby anymore. Please stop treating me like one. I can't ride a bike on my own if you show me but don't let me ride it. Sometimes I really, really wish nobody cared about me, even though I shouldn't.