It's already Friday. The first full week of a new semester. I'm exhausted. So behind on everything. I still can't believe it's only the end of January, it's been so hectic. I had winter break, finished the last week of the first semester, then exam week, then another week off because of the snow and now I just finished the first week of the second semester.
Oftentimes I can only blame myself for my own problems because that's the truth. My workload isn't even that bad. My courses aren't hard. I just can't get anything done, whether that's studying, doing homework or just staying on task in general. I can do great things, but I'm the only person holding myself back. I try my best and my hardest, but it's not a lot, and I only get mediocre results.
Tell me otherwise, I know this is just my outlet, with me negative self-esteem and all, but I honestly just feel... completely unremarkable. I have a GPA of 4.0 but that GPA is written from countless struggles, dozens of all-nighters, and months of continuous suicidal ideation. And all for what? I'm below average, academically. I'm only an A-B Honor Roll student. The average GPA at my school is >4.25, I have no extracurriculars besides just one art class, and I'm Asian so colleges already discriminate against me. These are the people I have to compete with for the same spots in a university. I try so hard, but I can only be mediocre. I'm not special. I guess that's my fate.
I don't really have a special interest or passion. I have the typical male hobbies/interests, none of which are outstanding. Plenty of other guys are interested in STEM. Art is my only other outlet, but a liberal arts degree won't get me anywhere. And with the rise of AI it all feels pointless. Yes, my art has its own character to it, but I don't draw a lot anymore anyway, and people will be infintely happier with the generated art the want than comissioning me. Thinking about college applications alone just depresses me. 95% of people with ADHD are college dropouts anyway, but I still feel the need to go, what else am I supposed to do? My future is not very bright.